HOLY CRAP… ya’ll… it’s been a year since we relaunched Westcoaster due to widespread public outcry that we never return. (SCREW YOU, MOM, PEOPLE LOVE US… I think… maybe, I dunno…)
Guys, I’m just here to do a few things… to spread actual real news and facts and actual numbers about what’s happened since we got back to running this craphole of a site into the ground.
First… numbers. You dumb ingrates love numbers… always numbers.
Number of people who have read Westcoaster: Guy Selga and 4 other people.
Number of times Guy Selga has laughed at noodle jokes: Threve.
Number of times Guy Selga felt shame for reading Westcoaster: 24-ish.
Number of times Albert looked at his framed picture of Guy Selga before making a noodle joke: 47
Number of times I told Albert to make noodles jokes for Guy Selga: At least 7.
Number of times my mom was like “You’re still doing that?”: 478.5
Number of times I asked Albert a math question and he got it wrong: 4
Number of photos posted: At least 7.
Number of updates: 4,892
Number of Trump jokes: all of them.
Next up… llamas.
Number of Llamas who read Westcoaster daily: 4
Number of Llamas who spit on their owners after reading Westcoaster: 4
Number of Llamas who would rather poop in random spots than read Westcoaster: 4
Number of Llamas Jim was wanting to own: 4
In other news, Westcoaster has been reviewed by the biggest names in entertainment…
“Westcoaster is my favorite source for stump porn.” - Billy the Hobo, lives under the 101 at Alvarado in Echo Park.
“Westcoaster is the best place to find information on taco assembly” - Me
“Westcoaster is the best place for up to date movie news” - Patrick Campbell
“I have never experienced anything nearly as stimulating… y’know, in my junk… as Westcoaster” - Guy Selga
Things Donald Trump has said about Westcoaster…
“Westcoaster is the best real news I have ever read… people tell me, smart people, the best people… believe me, Westcoaster is the real deal and it will make the internet great again.” - President Donald J. Trump
Things Albert Einstein has said about Westcoaster…
“Zee cable leeft seestem iz zee best vay to leeft zee coaster to a top of zee heel…” - Albert Einstein and not at all Sandor Kernacs (if you know, then you know) in a mustache disguise.
Things I have to say about Westcoaster…
Guys… this site has existed since time immemorial. We were part of the original group of theme park websites. Many have come and gone since we bothered to take pictures of rides and construction projects to share with all of your filthy unwashed faces. Some still remain… some are forgotten… and yet a few others are ignored because they think Cannibal The Musical isn’t the best movie of all time. Idiots.
But sincerely… we do this not only because we love it, because we do love the parks. We do it to share our own weird love of the theme parks and events with all of you. Albert has taken up the mantle of writing for the site while I work on other writing projects that need my time. He’s been a friggin’ champion of all champions. (Amazing, an idiot such as me gets paid to do this for a living… dreams do come true, goons.) Don’t worry… I’m missing writing updates for your faces… that will come back sooner than any of you want to.
But I need to really, honestly, truly give so much credit to Albert’s amazing work. Not just as a photographer, but as a writer and as a generally amazing human being and friend. There was a time when I didn’t know whether or not Westcoaster would continue. My life and schedule was becoming a major burden and I just ran out of available time to worry about anything but life and work. Albert, who is in his own right an incredibly busy human, agreed to take up the task of giving you all updates and words to read. If you haven’t met him, you’ve missed out. If you have, you know what I mean. He is one of the best people you could ever hope to know. And it’s only because of his generosity of time that you all benefit and have updates to read now. He’s kept my stupid dream alive and I owe him more churros and beer than any of you will ever pony up and pay for… but seriously, help a guy out, I don’t wanna go broke like this.
So here we are… a year after a relaunch. My own hope is to continue this ridiculous experiment as long as any of you want to read it. So thank all of you who come back and who came back after a long downtime… who cared, to wanted more from our stupid brains. Thank you all so much. You make all of the effort so worth it! Here's to another 17 years of annoying your stupid faces!! GOO BAH!
Twerking Ice Cream Cone. Velociraptor. 5 Time Squirrel Herding Champion. Super Hero.