Disneyland Resort Update: More of That Dirt Stuff

Disneyland Park, Anaheim, CA

It's been a little while since we've visited the Disneyland Resort.  I promise this will be a gimmick free update--for better and worse.  Lets check out Disneyland Park in more detail!  Oh--I should mention that I pulled an almost-Dan and shot this entire update on 1% remaining battery until my camera died.  Because I totally forgot to charge *both* of my other camera batteries.  Me so smart!!  Anyway...

[NOTE: Shut up, Albert... I'm hijacking this daihatsu and we're gonna go on an adventuresome story time... much like a very special Moesha. - Jim]

"Star Wars" Land

You all think this is about Star Wars, don't you?  What if I told you Disney had changed plans, bought the theme park rights to Pitch Perfect from Universal and it's now going to be an entire land full of accapella groups.  No rides, just lots and lots and LOTS of accapella.  

Over this way you will see absolutely zero ferrets.

But perhaps a few midgets... but they're too short to be seen.

My mommy is very proud of me. 

This is... um... this is a compelling photo meant to cause serious reflection on the nature of life and one's own purpose in the world... this cold, dark world full of hate and misery and people who say "irregardless."

So lets get a little bit closer. (Alright, I'll leave this one as is... how YOU doin'. - J)

Is now a good time to note that I farted just now... I think it is.  Note, not a valid comment 5 years from now.  OR IS IT?

Hey look... a hole, a-hole.  

Poop pipes and dirt... also the name of my autobiography.

This is where they're moving Walt's frozen corpse to... right here.

Just think... one day your dookie will be in these pipes.  #DisneyMagic

The backside of Mickey's hug hut... 

We've included 450% less Pokemon in this update because one dude was like "WHY U PUT A POKEMANS IN AN UPDATE."  Basically he has no friends.

They've put metal sticks in the ground for a gigantic game of ring toss.

Butts.

The purpose of this update is to make sure you're all happy that I'm not writing these things anymore. 

The doesn't matterhorn... 

Oh hey, walls... Disney's just shutting everyone out... let us in Disney, you can't do this alone. 

Would now be a good time to write a really sad poem to bring you all down?  Cause I'll totally do it.

NOODLES!!! (Not gonna edit this one either... YOU HAPPY NOW, GUY SELGA?!?)

So many noodles. Guy Selga is probably uncontrollably overjoyed. (Not editing this one either... "Happier than a Guy Selga on an omnibus" is now a thing, by the way.)

Hey, aren't you guys all super happy it's almost Halloween time?  I know I am.  Straight up girl in yoga pants sitting by a window with a journal labeled "my thoughts" while sipping on a pumpkin spiced latte level happy. 

Who's excited for NuFantasmic?

I know I am... totally stoked.  Also excited for... um... I dunno, probably what I'm gonna eat for  dinner.  Pretty stoked on that too.

Disney needs to chill on its noodle game... 

Annnnnd... that's it for this.

Around the Park

Ya'll love the stuff Disney did for the 60th?  Tough, it ends this weekend.  

Fans and people who's fetish is the number 60 are gonna be so bummed next Tuesday.

They're doing stuff and things to stuff and things.

They've also burka'd Market house.

Haunted Mansion is closed because it's FINALLY being transformed into my dream attraction... Home on The Range: The Ride.  Good, it sucked anyway.

Wait... I may have been wrong.  WHY DOES DISNEY NOT WANT ME TO BE HAPPY... THEY'RE OUT TO RUIN MY LIFE!  (Me, or every Disney fan on Twitter? You be the judge.) 

Wallz.

Rivers of America

Disney is also busy ruining the Rivers of America... or something, I haven't even paid attention, I'm just parroting what I see on the internet.  What are they doing?  Comment below, let me know... because I honestly can't be bothered to look up facts.  

They've been working on this big butt.

Butt butt.

At least they've covered the butt's butt.

What'd they do?  Why would they... WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST MASTS, DISNEY?  Show me on the doll where the masts hurt you.

Oh man, I'm craving nachos so bad right now... 

Basically a bunch of sticks or something, I guess, I dunno... 

That's it... I'm renaming the Columbia the S.S. StumpyButt.

DAMMIT ALBERT, HOW MANY PHOTOS OF THIS BOAT DO I NEED TO CAPTION?!?!  JEEEEEZUS.

They've painted stuff and um... yeah.

They changed the paint colors... I'm starting a petition to make them change it back.  

Walt Disney himself wrote about this building and was like "Yo, I like dis s**t, fool... don't never change it, a'ight?"

Oh man... now I wanna write some rap lyrics about Tom Sawyer's Island. 

But I'm too lazy and I'm not good at writing rap lyrics... or writing in general.  

I mean, I am a good cook... someone tried to tell me I didn't know how, but they're wrong... so I do have that goin' for me. 

And over here there's... oh, have I ever told ya'll about people who vape?  No?  Okay, I won't though because they're not worth mentioning.

And then there's this... and um... where my ducks at?

Hey Albert... take more duck pictures, thanks. 

"Into the caves you go again, you have to every now-and-then..." - Sondheim

IT'S A TARP.

They've finished giving the tree house it's butt lift... 

Almost there... I promise it won't last much longer... 

fin

Well... there ya go... a damn Disneyland update mostly written by your's truly.  I am so sorry.  Like, from the heart of my bottom, I am sorry.  I apologize to Mother Theresa, your mom, that one-legged dude panhandling in Echo Park and the entire nation of Andorra.  It's a shame that people have from time to time taken the time and effort to ask me to write things for actual legitimate publications and other things.  And they give me money for it... jokes on them.  Okay... I'll shut up now and allow Albert to get back to doing actual informative and good updates.  

I want to take a moment to publicly acknowledge the amazing job he's done carrying the Westcoaster mantle for you all.  He's had some fantastic updates and I see the comments and I know you all love it.  So thanks, Albert... you're doing an amazing job!  But for now... 

GOO BAH!